“i just wanna smash”
“how do i tell her that i don’t want to hang out that much, i just wanna smash?” he asked me.
julian & i reclined on the black couch & pondered the question for a moment. i snickered at his frankness & the fact that he still came to see me after all was said & done. but after my initial giggle stopped, i realized just how many feelings it was trying to suppress.
the laughter was a massive cover-up. julian continued to tell me about his lady friend, while i tried to figure out what that unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach was. i kind of wanted him to change the subject, but he continued.
“we’re both on the same page that we don’t want a relationship,” julian said to me, as he faced the television.
“why don’t you want to be in a relationship?” i inquired. i stopped watching the documentary on tigers & looked at him, waiting for an answer.
“i got fucked over the last time,” he replied, then turned toward me. this was an instant of intense seriousness. the question i asked & the quasi-answer he gave me were not revealed to just anybody. however, with this breakthrough, julian made sure to change the subject immediately.
“getting laid is like an inner peace. you just reach it & you’re good for the next few hours,” he said to me & turned back to the tiger documentary. “until you wake up the next day,” he added with a chuckle.
i nodded, not in agreement but in a confused daze. he ‘smashes’ her, so to speak, then comes to spend some quality leisure time with me. i couldn’t wrap my head around his reasoning, but i was glad he was there. otherwise i’d be home by myself.
“thanks for coming. you’re the best,” i told him. ‘you’re the best’ was code for ‘i love you’ obviously.
“you’re the best,” he said back to me. maybe we were on the same page after all.
1 year ago / Notes